5 Strategies to Overcome Shutting Down During Conflict

Do you get overwhelmed during conflict?

Some people are fast processors. External processors. They can enter a conflict and quickly articulate their thoughts, respond to counterpoints in real time, and sustain emotionally charged conversations for long periods. (And to be clear—conflict itself isn’t inherently bad.)

Others process more slowly and internally. We tend to take things in, turn them over privately, and need time and space to make sense of what we feel and think. We may intuitively know what’s going on inside, but it takes longer to put words to it. In the moment, we often don’t have an immediate response—not because we don’t care, but because our system needs more time.

There is no “better” or “worse” way to process. The difficulty arises during conflict. Faster processors may feel frustrated or anxious when their partner goes quiet or doesn’t respond right away. Silence can easily be misinterpreted as stonewalling or withdrawal. But most of the time, slower, internal processors are becoming overwhelmed. Their nervous system perceives danger, and shutting down becomes an unconscious protective response.

When this happens, the brain moves quickly into fight-or-flight mode. For many people, that looks like flight, freeze, or fawn. Logical thinking goes offline. Words become harder to access. Even though you may know exactly what you want to say before or after the argument, in the moment your system is focused on survival.

This is where couples often get stuck. The faster processor feels ignored or dismissed. The slower processor feels ashamed for not being able to “keep up,” resentful that their needs never get voiced, and discouraged that conflict always feels so one-sided. Over time, this cycle of frustration, shutdown, shame, and resentment deepens.

So what can help?

Here are 5 strategies to help you avoid shutting down during conflict:

1. Write things down ahead of time.

Preparing for difficult conversations can make a significant difference. Journaling helps you process internally and put clear language to your feelings, needs, and disappointments. Try to move beyond venting and be intentional about identifying what hurts, what you need, and what you want. Bringing these notes into a conversation can help you stay grounded even if your brain slips into survival mode. 

2. Ask for time in the moment.

Practice saying, “Give me a moment, please.” If you notice your thoughts getting foggy or your body tensing, pause. Take a few breaths. Ground yourself. Review what you wrote. Silence without explanation can feel threatening to a faster-processing partner, but naming your need for time reassures them that you are still engaged. 

3. Take breaks as necessary, with the intention of returning to the conversation.

Breaks are often necessary, not avoidant. Signs it’s time to pause include shutting down, going in circles, or escalating rather than understanding each other better. A 15–30 minute break allows your nervous system to settle. Avoid ruminating during the break; instead, do something that helps your body calm. When you return, try approaching the conversation differently.

4. Even if you don’t have a response to a specific point or question, revealing how you feel in the moment is good feedback for yourself and your spouse.

Sometimes you genuinely don’t know how to respond to a question in the moment. Sharing that you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or triggered is still meaningful communication. Naming emotions like feeling blamed, rejected, or not good enough can help both you and your partner understand what’s really happening underneath the shutdown. For example: “I don’t have the words yet, but I can feel myself shutting down. I think I’m feeling blamed, even if that’s not your intention. Can we slow this down?” 

5. Do the work outside of the conflict. 

Chronic shutdown is usually a sign of deeper beliefs shaped earlier in life—beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I need to stay invisible to be safe,” or “My needs don’t matter.” Addressing these patterns often requires vulnerability, which can feel frightening, especially if you fear rejection or abandonment. But this deeper work is what allows lasting change. 

If you identify as someone who needs time to process internally and want to stay more engaged during difficult conversations, these strategies can help. And most importantly, you’re not alone.

Abundant Life Counseling in Broken Arrow offers therapy for teens, individuals, and couples who want to better understand anxiety, emotional shutdown, and relationship patterns. Schedule an appointment today.