Questions to Ask Yourself to Process a Difficult Situation

When faced with a difficult situation–either with your child, partner, a friend, a co-worker, a co-parent, or just with yourself–an important step in resolving the situation is to examine what is going on beneath the surface. Above the surface, you may simply notice anger, anxiety, irritation, and conflict. But you are unlikely to see change if these emotions and behaviors are all you notice. 

Here is a list of questions to ask yourself in order to discover what is going on more deeply inside of you. Processing the answers to these questions will give you a greater understanding of yourself and a jumpstart to addressing the problem in a deeper way. 

[IMPORTANT NOTE: If the situation you are wanting to process was traumatic, please do not process alone! Contact a professional for help. ]

Simply knowing the answers to these questions won’t change anything. For help in the next steps, schedule an appointment with Abundant Life Counseling by calling 918-212-8389.

"What thoughts do I have about this? What is my perspective?"

"What emotions come up when I think about this?"

• • Anger is often the most obvious emotion. Try to identify deeper, softer emotions which will reveal deeper triggers. (shame/embarrassment, disappointment, jealousy, powerlessness, abandonment) 

"What images come to mind?"

• • When you revisit this situation in your mind, which scenes do you keep replaying? Any other images come to mind? Perhaps seemingly unrelated?

"What story am I telling myself about this situation that might not necessarily be true?"

• • Are you assuming your partner is purposely trying to get under your skin? Are you assuming that your child doesn’t care/isn’t trying?

"Does this remind me of a past event? Even from childhood?"

• • **This is one of the most important questions! Spend a lot of time processing the connection between how this event makes you feel, and try to identify times in the past when you have also felt this way. 

"What triggers these thoughts and feelings?"

• • Is there a certain word or body language cue that instantly triggers you? Your child’s eye-rolling? When your partner says, “fine.”

"What do I want? Short-term wants? Long-term wants?"

• • What is your hoped-for outcome? Is it different in short-term vs. the long-term?

"What do I need? How would it change things for me to get what I need?"

• • Ex. I need safety in the relationship. It would make me feel more secure and close to my partner if I felt more safe. 

  • Ex. I need firmer boundaries with this person. It would relieve a lot of anxiety to have these boundaries respected. 

"What are my underlying values/beliefs associated with this?"

• • Are there any unconscious negative beliefs being triggered, such as “I’m broken,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. 

  • What value of yours is this clashing against? Perhaps a value of honesty, or cooperation. 

"Do I have an accurate understanding of the other side of the story?"

• • Am I able to understand why the other person is behaving the way they are? Or am I assuming they are just a bad/crazy person. 

"Am I blaming myself unnecessarily? If so, why?"

"Am I neglecting to take responsibility for my actions? If so, why?"

"What am I afraid of in this situation? Is this a rational fear?"

• • Identify your biggest fear, or most feared outcome. Is this a likely outcome? 

"What is in my control vs. out of my control in this situation?"

"What is my stuck point?"

• • Like a record player that skips, what is the one point you keep coming back to and can’t seem to resolve in your mind?

"Who is someone I can talk to safely about this?"

• • Challenge yourself to process these feelings with a friend or therapist who will give you objective feedback, or who will simply listen. 

If you need help processing any of these questions, or want to discuss next steps, contact Kristi at kristi@findlifeabundant.com

Abundant Life Counseling

www.findlifeabundant.com

918-212-8389

kristi@findlifeabundant.com