5 Tips for Starting Hard Conversations with Your Partner

With the closest relationships come the hardest conversations. The more intimately we share our lives with someone, the more often our habits, personality traits, and values will clash. When parts of us clash with parts of our partner we have two choices: 1) allow the conflict to create distance, or 2) become closer by using the conflict as an opportunity to work through these difficulties (when possible). 

Hard conversations will be infinitely more successful if they begin well. Here are 5 tips for starting hard conversations with your partner in order to help the conversation to go more smoothly. 

1. Investigate and be aware of your own thoughts, feelings, assumptions, perspectives, triggers, etc.

Most of the time when couples get into an argument, it is not planned out and neither partner has investigated what is going on deeply inside of them. This is the main reason why conversations stay surface level and never get resolved. 

Before you begin the hard conversation, you need to be intimately aware of your own internal process, including things which may be obvious–and more importantly, not obvious, even to yourself. 

Here are some questions to get you started, but for a more thorough walkthrough, click here. What is my perspective? How does this make me feel? (hint: try to think of more emotions than just anger. Disappointed? Let down? Overwhelmed? Out of control?) Can I understand where my partner is coming from? How do I feel about having this conversation?

I would suggest writing these things down. 

2. Identify your goal for having the conversation. 

Simple, but effective. What do you want from the conversation? Do you want your partner to understand you? Is there a specific change you are wanting to happen? Do you just need your partner to listen? Identify what you want from the conversation, and share that explicitly with your partner.

3.  Plan or write down everything you want to share with your partner. 

You have identified your inner thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and you’ve figured out your goal. You might not need or want to share everything you’ve discovered, or there may be more you want to share. Write a few points of everything you want to say to your partner (the most important things you want him or her to understand). This will help you stay on track during the conversation, and will help you remember important things you want to share. 

4. Agree upon a specific time or place to have the conversation. 

You rarely want to start a hard conversation impromptu. Catching your partner off guard can make him/her feel even more defensive. Before you start the hard conversation, ask him/her if there is a good time and place to have the discussion. Make sure to let him/her know that you want to approach this conversation differently this time (if it has been heated in the past). 

5. Use a “gentle start” technique.  

You’ve done the prep work. Now is the time to start the hard conversation. When you open the conversation, make sure to avoid blaming language. Even if you are convinced your partner is the problem, you probably won’t get what you want if you blame everything on him/her. Use “I” statements, and take accountability for your part in the problem 

BONUS: Have the conversation while you are taking a walk. Walking in the same direction can help you and your partner have a more productive conversation! It also helps to have the conversation in a different setting than normal!

For more personalized help navigating difficult conversations with a loved one, reach out to Kristi Spence at kristi@findlifeabundant.com

Abundant Life Counseling

www.findlifeabundant.com

918-212-8389

kristi@findlifeabundant.com